Red Flags in Relationships: How to Spot Them & Avoid Heartbreak
Welcome to Ten Steps Ahead. We are back. Boy, what the the boy, what's up, D?
DeShawn Snow:What's up, Skeeto? What's up, man? We have a great episode.
Skido Ortiz:I know. Can't. I'm so excited.
DeShawn Snow:I think I wanna talk to you about accountability and relationships, red flags, compromising, all of that stuff. Yeah. We gonna get through all that, man. I'm sorry. I'm still jet lagged.
DeShawn Snow:You know what
Skido Ortiz:I'm saying? We got me my brain's spinning. But at the end of the day, we I just wanted I was going I was when I was in Cali, a lot I have a lot of people sit down. We talking. Right?
Skido Ortiz:And then he was just talking about red flags, not seeing them.
DeShawn Snow:You know
Skido Ortiz:I'm saying? And the women it was a bunch of group of women. I was like, oh, I'm a ask the show on this. And they said, we just can't see it. You know?
Skido Ortiz:We just we think we
DeShawn Snow:see chill's about to see.
Skido Ortiz:How do you feel when people don't see the red flags? They annoy them? I don't know what it is. What is it? I know you probably had a couple episodes.
Skido Ortiz:Tell me what you see. I want a woman's perspective.
DeShawn Snow:Well, I definitely, in the I mean, probably still now, you know, ignored my fair share of red flags. I think when people say they don't see them, they choose to not see them. They're so focused on what they want that if the red flag is interrupting the narrative that they have created, then they don't give it credence. At least that's what I did or do sometimes. Not as much now, though.
Skido Ortiz:Well, listen. Let's repeat that. I don't you'd
DeShawn Snow:be taking me less. I'm sorry.
Skido Ortiz:I was gifted. I said, listen. When the let's keep it the I know you had a couple of red flags. Let's keep it really real. Like, what's something that happened that you was like, yo, you know what?
Skido Ortiz:I didn't see this. You know, let's try to tell me the worst episode of a red flag you ever had.
DeShawn Snow:That I ignored
Skido Ortiz:or Yes. Yes.
DeShawn Snow:I know, it's been a lot.
Karesia Davis:But let's see.
DeShawn Snow:I was dating this one guy in Dallas, because the kids were living in Dallas, I was always back and forth in Dallas. And then I was already going to Dallas to go to the games, all three different games and all of that, and to see my kids. But when I was paying for all the trips, that was a red flag
Skido Ortiz:to me. So
DeShawn Snow:Because what? I mean, I was paying for the trip so I was going to see my kid, but then But if I'm spending this time with you, I think that was it wasn't ready because -Okay. I wasn't paying for a meal. So, like, I'm very adamant on what I won't do, but when I look on it, I was doing all that. And I should not have if I'm dating this guy, which we were in a relationship, and he was seeing me when I was there.
Skido Ortiz:Absolutely.
DeShawn Snow:So on the other side of it, I can say, you know, that was a red flag. Give me another because he ultimately ended up being a red flag.
Skido Ortiz:So that's one. Give me another one.
DeShawn Snow:He was always so busy talking about he working on all this stuff, but you can never see it. So what
Skido Ortiz:you mean? Not giving you time?
DeShawn Snow:No. Like,
Skido Ortiz:It's always work related. Okay. So I'll be honest with you. So those two red flags are gonna be from the man's perspective, if a man wanna be with you, gonna be with
DeShawn Snow:He's with you.
Skido Ortiz:If he's gonna fly you, he's gonna fly you in. If he's gonna take care of you, he's gonna take care of you. So when you don't get all those attentions, leave it alone.
DeShawn Snow:-Right. -If you gotta pay
Skido Ortiz:your own ticket to go see a man, it's already a mess for -Well,
DeShawn Snow:I was going to see my kids, so that's why that's how I justified, or that's
Skido Ortiz:-You justified.
DeShawn Snow:-Not justified, but that's what I was doing. But in hindsight, no, I would never I I didn't need to be dating him. I could just wait
Skido Ortiz:and see my dad. That was one. Another red flag. Because you out there. You're the single.
Skido Ortiz:You know, not out there what y'all think. He's out there testing the waters. Yeah. Okay.
DeShawn Snow:The waters are very murky.
Skido Ortiz:-It's murky?
DeShawn Snow:-I mean, it's not
Skido Ortiz:give me another one. Keep for thinking
DeShawn Snow:I know. Another red flag, I guess, is Oh, when we were talking about, like, when people when guys check out. Like, when if a guy is not really giving you all the attention or is nonchalant or doesn't care or is allowing a lot of things without pushback, then usually it speaks for a reason. So that's a red flag if you don't
Karesia Davis:I'm sorry.
DeShawn Snow:That's a red flag if you don't I'm sorry, that was my daddy.
Skido Ortiz:Your dad is
DeShawn Snow:calling No, it's this appointment. Doctor's appointment. We must be right up. So, so I think that's a red flag.
Skido Ortiz:-All right. -That you overlooked. I just When they were talking about it so much, I said, I gotta I wanna just
DeShawn Snow:Well, let me just I'm not really out there out there like that now. So, the past, it was a lot of rape. I had a crazy guy Well, he wasn't crazy crazy, but he was crazy. You know, and he
Skido Ortiz:That's being out there.
DeShawn Snow:Yeah, that was years ago.
Skido Ortiz:Yeah. Okay. Well, what was crazy? You know, we need to
DeShawn Snow:learn He was blocking the numbers in my phone of any guy. So business, personal and He was
Skido Ortiz:doing what?
DeShawn Snow:He blocked their numbers. So people trying to call me, do business and whatever, and it wasn't getting So
Skido Ortiz:you had a nut blocking your number, and you talking about crazy
DeShawn Snow:But I didn't know. But it was other stuff that he was doing, red flags, that I should have picked up on to let me know that he was that crazy person.
Skido Ortiz:Wow. Wow. So, okay, -But back then -Detail. I wanna know so the women
DeShawn Snow:understand what they -Like when kids were home? Because remember I told you the boys lived in Dallas, so they would come back for So when I had the kids So sometimes I didn't have the kids at all, so he had all my time. But when the kids was there, my kids were my priority. Then he acted like a baby.
Skido Ortiz:Okay. Well, all right. That's cool.
DeShawn Snow:I don't have, like,
Skido Ortiz:no juicy So basically, was just doing some crazy shit. Blocked
DeShawn Snow:He was immature. He was younger too, but insecure. I don't mind a younger guy.
Skido Ortiz:Wait. How young?
DeShawn Snow:I can go 10 up, 10 down. Hell, I might go 15 up, 15 up.
Skido Ortiz:Why are you giving the number? What's your what's your range?
DeShawn Snow:Oh, I'm 51. So forties, 30 five.
Skido Ortiz:You went to 35, 50 1. Okay. That's close to the twenties.
DeShawn Snow:But how much fun you gonna have? I wanna be married, but I also wanna have fun. If they're a fun person.
Skido Ortiz:Okay. But as far as level of maturity and think differently.
DeShawn Snow:If it's a type of guy. You know what I'm saying? If he gotta be established and experienced and stuff like that. But he could be younger.
Skido Ortiz:So five is the minimum.
DeShawn Snow:37 I mean, you know, I'm a young 50.
Skido Ortiz:Yeah. You don't don't look
DeShawn Snow:that And have You know?
Skido Ortiz:And I ain't even trying to sell it. Everybody can tell in the camera that you don't look your age. And actually, I've been seeing
DeShawn Snow:50 old And I want see something in my life.
Skido Ortiz:There's some horrible I don't know if y'all what genetics going on here. And I'd be like And then they'd be like, Yo, Ski. I'm like, Yo, you what? And I don't know how to catch myself because they really look old. And I was like
DeShawn Snow:life probably
Skido Ortiz:looks like Life would tear you down.
DeShawn Snow:I mean, I had You know, I never looked like what I went through. Okay. I mean, my first lady told me that. She was like, Put your lipstick on, wash your face. Don't ever go out
Skido Ortiz:looking like what's going And he was genetic. She's crazy anyway.
DeShawn Snow:My genetics Kay in
Skido Ortiz:the last episode. She was just that she was y'all genetics are crazy with
Karesia Davis:pretty good things.
DeShawn Snow:Don't know what's going on.
Skido Ortiz:You know
DeShawn Snow:what I'm saying? But nah, that's what's up. Because I
Skido Ortiz:I just wanted you know you know, my thing is being a man, I wanna get the other side. And me having a daughter, she we sit down and talk. Because now I'm starting to listen.
DeShawn Snow:Mhmm.
Skido Ortiz:You understand? From the woman's point of view. And the realest thing I can listen to is the one that adores me the most Right. Is my kid. Right?
Skido Ortiz:So my daughter, I take because I know she loves her dad. And that when she says dad, she's seeing me, and she's seeing the change, and she's seeing both. And she's like, dad, I've seen you at your the most angry, scary. I seen that not towards her. She just see went into actions of discipline, but me being calmer and listening more.
Skido Ortiz:Not that I'm the greatest father, but I always try to be in my kid's life. And some things just don't work out with the Right. Baby mamas and, you know, stuff like that. But I always wanted family. And I tried to be the best.
Skido Ortiz:And I sacrificed a lot to not go other places because I wanted to be around them, even though we wasn't getting along with that.
DeShawn Snow:So how do you pull I'm sorry. The, Another thing too with the red flags, I think, like, now, when you're so confident in who you are and your value, like, you have inherent value, but sometimes life, you know, you forget about that. And so then you settle and you overlook red flags and all that, things you wouldn't do. You would do things that you wouldn't do if you knew who you were. So as a father to a young adult woman, how do you pour into her so that she knows that she's a queen already?
DeShawn Snow:What
Skido Ortiz:I tell Well, what I do is my actions.
DeShawn Snow:-Okay.
Skido Ortiz:-So how I treat my daughter is already She knows how to be treated. -Yes.
DeShawn Snow:-And she won't even move
Skido Ortiz:from a door unless you open it. Her boyfriend will tell you that.
DeShawn Snow:-Mm
Skido Ortiz:-Like, and then he even buckles her seat. Cute. So I was like, well, I didn't I didn't know about all that.
DeShawn Snow:I just went for
Skido Ortiz:the door. When he crossed that, for a minute, I was thought he was doing too much. Quick story. Because she goes to church, you know, she's really trying to wait for the he went over and crossed the belt over her. My mind is, nigga, are you trying to touch my daughter?
Skido Ortiz:I went around. I said I said, dude, you got my he said he looked up. He said, sorry. I'm just trying to make sure she's secure. Aw.
Skido Ortiz:I said but I was about to smack the shit out of him because I don't play that touch rub, my breasts. And I didn't understand it, but the young man stood there like, am I okay?
DeShawn Snow:And I'm like, you okay?
Skido Ortiz:Because that was something that you buckled my daughter's seat belt to make sure she good. I didn't even recognize that. The door was enough for me.
DeShawn Snow:Right.
Skido Ortiz:But it's the extra shit. And I catch it, too, getting emotional because because we're not gonna always be here for them. Mhmm. And then if we don't teach them, I think we get as parents, I don't know what the hell is going on with me. But I guess because of the the love for my children.
DeShawn Snow:Yes. And then we know we're trying
Skido Ortiz:to get them ready, and then we know we're not gonna be there. And then we just we don't we get scared. We get nervous. And then we just then we don't know the decisions they're gonna go. We're like, we're not trying to tell you what to do.
Skido Ortiz:We just want you to -The believing
DeShawn Snow:in -We've been
Skido Ortiz:through all of that, and we don't want you to hit those walls we hit.
DeShawn Snow:So
Skido Ortiz:And that note that was just on that note.
DeShawn Snow:Can your daughter come to you with anything? Do you guys have an open relationship?
Skido Ortiz:Well, at the beginning, I wasn't with that.
DeShawn Snow:And they couldn't even tell me when they had
Skido Ortiz:their period because I start friends they it's a joke in my family. Like, my sisters tell, tell your dad, you got your period.
DeShawn Snow:And when they come
Skido Ortiz:in there, I was like, I start, you know, because I'm just that dad. I'm like the bad but sensitive. You know what I'm
DeShawn Snow:saying? Mhmm.
Skido Ortiz:And but it's when they said coming to me was, I don't wanna hear about men. I don't wanna not that they doing something. They they I'm the only man they trust. So I it it just
DeShawn Snow:And they want a man's point of view?
Skido Ortiz:It took a minute. Not I'm I'm really old school. I'm not gonna lie to you. I was like, yo, I'm not trying to hear that, you know, even when they bring them to me like my daughter did, and he sat at the table. And this is a true story.
Skido Ortiz:And he said, oh, sir, I wanna take your daughter. I said and I'm sitting there, and they all the mom is dead. I'm like, yo, I'm really different. So I I told them, I said, let me explain something to you. I'm gonna share this with you.
Skido Ortiz:It's a true story. I said, I don't care how much she loves you. I don't care I love her. Don't care whatever move she get in, I'm gonna blame you. If you take advantage of my daughter, what you think you're using down there, I'm a twist it off.
Skido Ortiz:I'm a pound you out. I'm really like that. I don't play. Everybody know I don't play. I'm gonna hurt you because what you did is sat at my table and looked me in the face and told me I wanna date your daughter.
Skido Ortiz:You did all the proper shit, but you still a man, a young man with a penis that you think different. Don't think different with mines because I will hurt you. You will never use that again. True story. They I bring them on the set.
Skido Ortiz:We could do this, bro. They'll come up here and tell you. He still looked me in my eye and still was there with her. And they doing the right thing, going to church doing that. And I'm not saying it's a church thing.
Skido Ortiz:But she said, I'm saving myself that because I've watched my other brothers and sisters, and I've and I've but I love you. And I've seen you change it. I broke. And I was like, what? And she's like, and I'm not I've learned.
Skido Ortiz:You learn from your brother. Sometimes you learn what not to do. And that made me say, you know, I started doing certain things. And when she told me that, and she looked at me, then she hugged me. Because I wasn't I guess when Affectionate?
Skido Ortiz:The affection thing was I only received that from my children.
DeShawn Snow:But from people when people talk, I
Skido Ortiz:don't be really hearing that because it don't be sincere with me. I just had this trust issue because I know what's real and what's not. I'm not saying that people I know people love me to death, I know when my children is real. -Right. -So, you know, and that part is good.
Skido Ortiz:And when your kids talk to you about, I don't know how your sons feel.
DeShawn Snow:I have different relationships, but my youngest son, I mean, they say we're it doesn't even seem like a mother son relationship. It's not the typical. But we talk about a lot. Well, at least I talk about a lot to him.
Skido Ortiz:Give me a situation of how they come to you.
DeShawn Snow:Like, what's the real thing? But my oldest son, you know, he's adulting right now, and so he shares things with me. You know, I like to know what's going on in his life, but he has his boundaries. He was like, I don't need any advice or anything. I'm just telling you what's going on.
DeShawn Snow:So he has very strict boundaries with me at times.
Skido Ortiz:So he asked you, but he said I don't need any advice?
DeShawn Snow:Yeah, comes to me and he shares things with me, but he's saying, like, I'm not sharing for you to give me advice on it. I'm just telling you You know, sometimes you just need to talk it all out.
Skido Ortiz:I don't know. Don't know. Know.
DeShawn Snow:That's not In my family, they know the way I process things. I ask a lot of questions, and I have a lot of opinions. And so, you know, he just told me, We're not doing all that. I'm just letting you know what's going on.
Skido Ortiz:We gotta rewind a little bit. So let's try to you know, you know, you ain't doing that with me. So when he says this is from the boy. I'm the man. I I'm telling you my problems, but I don't wanna hear your opinions.
DeShawn Snow:Well, he not saying it like that.
Skido Ortiz:He's No. No. But you they know what I'm talking about. Don't that's cool. Just listen to me, but don't give me opinion.
Skido Ortiz:Now, why is that?
DeShawn Snow:Because he just wanted to get it off. But for me, what I do, that just I love that because I know how to pray for him. I wanna know what's going on. So I don't take offense to think
Skido Ortiz:that's a problem?
DeShawn Snow:No, because he does take my advice, you know what I'm saying? But just sometimes, just not unsolicited about it. He Some situations don't call for it. You gotta just listen, you just gotta be there.
Skido Ortiz:Okay, I got it. No, I'm saying I'm just trying to really
DeShawn Snow:-Yeah, yeah. -Fools through some things. Sometimes, you know, he and he processes things differently too. So sometimes it's just, you know, listening, being that listening ear. You know, if he asks for my advice, I give it to him.
DeShawn Snow:But more importantly for me, that just shows me what how I need to cover him in prayer. So I love our relationship. Our relationship hasn't always been like that, but now that he's grown, he's adulting.
Skido Ortiz:Is he now listening to your Yeah,
DeShawn Snow:he listens
Skido Ortiz:to But before when he didn't approve it, now is it more open Like, I know everybody changes. Is it Now he's
DeShawn Snow:wasn't that he wasn't listening to It was now the conversation is.
Skido Ortiz:-Okay.
DeShawn Snow:-'Cause it's not like we were that close before. So now, you know, he's sharing everything with me.
Skido Ortiz:And why wasn't you that close before?
DeShawn Snow:It was just, you know, they lived in Dallas with their dad and
Skido Ortiz:Oh, it was during the divorce. That's what we thought
DeShawn Snow:Well, it was later on in life too. Was after the divorce, but it's
Skido Ortiz:Did it have anything to do with your personality?
DeShawn Snow:No. No.
Skido Ortiz:I'm looking in the camera, y'all. I'm
DeShawn Snow:like No. No. It was other it was other stuff at first. It it wasn't because of me.
Skido Ortiz:How about the and this is not too one thing, this is my sister here, y'all. Let's be clear. And we go back and we talk, we trying to be better in life, on the camera, off the camera. But your perfectionist and all the things the way you want it or all the things, did did that trickle down to kids not talking to you or people coming to you? I mean, just now
DeShawn Snow:that standing Well, maybe others, but not kids, though. -No? -No. I mean, I don't That wasn't the reason. That wouldn't be the reason, I would say.
DeShawn Snow:It was other stuff.
Skido Ortiz:-Okay.
DeShawn Snow:-So it wasn't that. Now, I have different relationships with each of the kids. Like, my middle son, you know, I'm trying to get that deeper relationship. It's not as deep as it is with the other two in terms of, like, knowing everything.
Skido Ortiz:Okay.
DeShawn Snow:All right. You know, then my youngest son, I mean, he says I don't know much, but I know a lot.
Skido Ortiz:Says what?
DeShawn Snow:-He said I don't really know that much about him.
Skido Ortiz:That's what and that right there, I'm asking you. I mean, we we keeping it real because I think there's a lot of mothers and people going through that. What it when he me when he says that you don't really know that much, what is he what
DeShawn Snow:is Because I basically, I I take it to mean he's I know what he's telling me, but there's stuff that he's not telling me, I guess.
Skido Ortiz:And then he says, okay. So how do you take it? You just go whatever?
DeShawn Snow:No. I try no. I don't go whatever.
Skido Ortiz:No. I'm not saying
DeShawn Snow:whatever. Yeah. No. I try to, like, to make it more deeper with you know, and learn things. But I mean, what can I do?
Skido Ortiz:This is I think this is a little sensitive here.
DeShawn Snow:It is a little
Skido Ortiz:sensitive. This is sister's, don't get a clue, and they'll put her in the corner, nothing like that.
DeShawn Snow:But what I can say, I'm very you know, my kids, everybody know my kids mean the world to me, and I'm very happy with, you know, this stage, this season, with all of my children. You know what I'm saying? I'm so grateful because it was a little strange sometimes at times.
Skido Ortiz:Okay.
DeShawn Snow:So I'm really proud of each of them. They're all thriving their own way.
Skido Ortiz:I see. I met them, and they're good kids. I saw that one playing football. The other one, he's the photography videographer. He was dope.
Skido Ortiz:Had vision. His son came to my restaurant at the time. He was cool. And you know what? We're gonna do the best we could do to be parents.
Skido Ortiz:-Absolutely. -And so, like, don't put so much pressure on yourself, parents. I mean, we're not perfect. We come from a different generation. Our values might not be your values.
Skido Ortiz:-Right. -You understand what you think? You know
DeShawn Snow:what saying? -No, for sure. For sure. Because we I so, you know, this younger generation is different, so we gotta learn to listen, and to not look at it from our point of view, -from how we were raised.
Skido Ortiz:Absolutely.
Skido Ortiz:But
Skido Ortiz:there's still some basic stuff,
DeShawn Snow:-MIKELLE:
Skido Ortiz:And we're still learning. We're some sensitive issues. But we're gonna be all right. Because on this show, 10 steps ahead, we helping each other, we learning, we growing. And that's what it's all about.
DeShawn Snow:That's what it's all I'm
Skido Ortiz:just in the building. She straightens me out. I straighten her out, but it's all
DeShawn Snow:in love. Absolutely. You what saying?
Skido Ortiz:And you see some sensitives we won't we
DeShawn Snow:can't talk about. But, but no, we're not We're gonna do what You know,
Skido Ortiz:we just gonna keep doing what we're doing. -Y'all are
DeShawn Snow:gonna bring baby sis in and ask her some questions to go -Oh, I
Skido Ortiz:throw her on the block with her. You know what I'm saying? I feel like I should have went to college with you. I don't know. Let's go.
Skido Ortiz:I'm looking for it. Kay, let's go. Where she at?
DeShawn Snow:Up next.
Skido Ortiz:All right. That's what's up. Ten Steps ahead. Yo, we be out here talking, boy. I love this stuff.
Skido Ortiz:What's going on, Kay?
Karesia Davis:What up, doe?
Skido Ortiz:Oh, man. Oh, I forgot to ask. My apologies. I know you had to take your what happened with your son? He broke
Karesia Davis:his Oh, yeah. My son broke his ankle playing basketball. What? He's a football player, but he played basketball in the gym at school. Mhmm.
Karesia Davis:He said he went up for a rebound, came down on his ankle, and it snapped.
DeShawn Snow:Oh, you gotta be kidding You
Skido Ortiz:know what? I I I like to keep it real a little bit in this perspective on it because I know you are a single mom. Correct?
Karesia Davis:I am.
Skido Ortiz:And I I can never understand that.
DeShawn Snow:You You know
Skido Ortiz:what I'm saying? Women are different. Mhmm. Really, how do you feel raising because a woman to raise a boy, even with a man and trying to and all of that, I don't know what's going on. But how do you feel being a single mom?
Skido Ortiz:I mean, what's how that really feels?
Karesia Davis:A part of me you know, it's like, damn, that's not what I wanted. Right?
Skido Ortiz:Yeah.
Karesia Davis:But then a a bigger part of me is always proud of me. Right?
DeShawn Snow:Mhmm.
Karesia Davis:So my son, I would say, is probably my well, I have I have a 18 year old son, and I have eight year old identical girl twins.
Skido Ortiz:You knocked out twins?
Karesia Davis:I did.
Skido Ortiz:You are strong.
Karesia Davis:Hello? You
Skido Ortiz:better do
DeShawn Snow:it. I
Skido Ortiz:wouldn't have never known that
DeShawn Snow:for I did.
Karesia Davis:You know? So my son is actually graduating in May.
Skido Ortiz:And then
Karesia Davis:he's going off to the Air Force. Mhmm. But I did that. Right? I mean, God carried us through that, but I did that.
Karesia Davis:No drugs, no drama, no no records, no nothing. Just football grades. Ain't nothing going on. Right? I wanted to do that.
Karesia Davis:Shout out to my son.
Skido Ortiz:Raise them boys. But
Karesia Davis:being a single mom, you know, it it's a lot because you gotta be everything in one. Right? Even with him going to the Air Force when I was kicking in with the recruiter because at first I was really against it.
DeShawn Snow:Mhmm.
Karesia Davis:But then he's like, you know, as a mom, you did a great job. Like, he's a fine young man, but the father in you has to release him. You know
DeShawn Snow:what I mean? Mhmm.
Skido Ortiz:So And that's the hard part.
Karesia Davis:It is. Right? Because when you gotta play both roles for so long and this is my truth. Anybody and everybody can say what they want, take it how they want. I stand on it.
Karesia Davis:I raised my son for eighteen years. Okay?
Skido Ortiz:That's what's up.
Karesia Davis:So it's like you get angry sometimes and then, you know, it's a lot that you gotta put on the back burner, you know? And then when you didn't have, like, the biggest support system where I got my friends, like, oh, yeah, they dropping the kids off at they mama house and stuff like that. I ain't had it.
DeShawn Snow:You know what mean?
Skido Ortiz:So you was
DeShawn Snow:you can't hear from.
Skido Ortiz:I mean, with Toreen,
Karesia Davis:you're fine. Like, not, you know, I could call my sister and be like, you know, can you pick the girls up or something like that? You know what I mean? Like but my in reality, though, when it came down to it, when all three of them sick in each different rooms and I gotta make sure everybody good, you gotta be the preacher, the the the mother, the the nurse, the doctor, the the coach. Like, you it's, like, all in one.
Karesia Davis:Like, even raising a man. Right? Like, I can't raise my son to be a man, but I could teach him the aspects of being a man. Right?
DeShawn Snow:Mhmm.
Karesia Davis:I feel like there is a lot of lessons that a father should play when it comes to raising a man. And then when you flip it on the girl's side, y'all don't understand some men don't understand the role that they play in a girl's life because when you around and not six feet under or behind the bars, like, you literally, to me, I think it raises damaged girls, right? Because women don't admit it, but they tend to hold on or find something in another man that they should let go if they father was there. They try to fill a In so many words, it's like hard to let a fuck man go. You know what I'm Like, it's they find because they try to adapt to it.
Karesia Davis:Even when they fucked up, they try to adapt to because they don't wanna it's like you don't wanna give up on somebody because you felt like you got that void right there, you know?
Skido Ortiz:So So basically what you're saying and this is maybe correct me if I'm wrong. It's from the perspective. If you just bring it you can't just bring anybody around trying to fill the And everybody think a man is just being having a man there. But actually, having the wrong man there can be very It
DeShawn Snow:can be worse.
Skido Ortiz:So even you single moms out there, I know you're lonely. I know you have them crying episodes. But it's like it's a lot. And, you know, God bless you. You know what I'm saying?
Skido Ortiz:But at the end of the day, being lonely is one thing. Bringing the wrong man in your house is another. Is a totally different one. That note, and that's a switch because you see that, not you was married.
DeShawn Snow:Right.
Skido Ortiz:And you had a man in that situation. But when y'all got divorced, the man void of it. And being the mother people don't understand, you actually almost that was a life changer, being single. It's almost like being single again, and you used to him playing the man part. How was it when that man left and you had to adjust to that and deal with your kids a certain way?
DeShawn Snow:So, it was split the older two allowed to go to move out of state with their dad, so it was just the younger one with me, but they would go back and forth. So, I didn't have all three by myself.
Skido Ortiz:-Okay.
DeShawn Snow:-So, but I did have Jarren. And, you know, definitely And he eventually moved with his father because I think his father needed to be in his life. It's challenging. I didn't have the same challenges. And Eric was in Jaren's life, but there were times that, you know I know it felt different for Jaren.
Karesia Davis:Sis, give yourself the credit. I don't Yeah,
DeShawn Snow:he was mean, yes, it was
Karesia Davis:My son can pick up the phone and say what up to his daddy too, but at the end of the day, when Jaren was sick, when he needed to go
DeShawn Snow:somewhere, when he needed to Oh, yes, choice.
Karesia Davis:Yeah. You were there, whether it was one kid or eight. You were a single mom, and you were there doing the damn thing with Doctor.
Skido Ortiz:Brown. In that part we're talking about. We know all of that. You're trying What How would you feel in that
DeShawn Snow:other Well, of course, I was, you know, I did what I had to do, but I was feeling like I shouldn't be having to do this by myself because, you know, that wasn't the situation I signed up But, you know, I guess that, you know, with everything in life, I don't really focus on like, oh, it should be the other way. I think it, but then I still gotta do what I gotta do. That doesn't at the end of the day, the issue needs to be addressed. Gotta done. It gotta be done.
DeShawn Snow:So you ain't got time to do Whatever gotta
Skido Ortiz:be done gotta be done.
DeShawn Snow:Exactly. We just roll up our sleeves and do what we have to do.
Karesia Davis:The only time you gonna see me fold is doing laundry. Yo.
Skido Ortiz:And let me tell y'all something. My sister, and she's being you know, I got my cousins and sisters. They'd be like they get sometimes they get personal, right, in being black, beautiful women that y'all you know what I'm saying? And then you'll hear men go, well, I don't mess with black women. They do this, that.
Skido Ortiz:They don't see the importance of great. And it's not a race thing. It's more like, how do you feel about another black man saying we only date white women because black women are a certain way? I mean, I know that hurts, but what do y'all think about that? What okay.
Skido Ortiz:What do you think about that for
DeShawn Snow:Do they actually say it, though, or they just write? Because so some
Karesia Davis:might say. I've heard that before because of the quote, unquote attitude and the anger and this and that. Right? But I feel like when you want a woman to be in a soft girl era, as they say, then you gotta take me out of survivor mode. So maybe them attitudes wouldn't always be there.
Karesia Davis:Right?
Skido Ortiz:So basically, you're saying it ain't about the color of race. It's and they say we got more attitudes, black women. I love my black women. I love my brother. I'm about both.
Skido Ortiz:But, you know, I say, I gotta give shout out
DeShawn Snow:to both of them.
Skido Ortiz:Next but at the same time, you're saying is being a strong black woman, they get they is they don't understand that if you wanna step into this life, take the pressure off of me, and then you'll see a different woman.
DeShawn Snow:Right.
Skido Ortiz:Or they feel they wanna keep allowing you to still be that boss and, you know, all the strains of being it's like they're there, but they're not there.
Karesia Davis:Right. You can't lead and then expect me to tell you the steps to lead. -Mm. -That's crazy. -Right?
Karesia Davis:That's crazy work.
Skido Ortiz:That is crazy.
DeShawn Snow:Yeah, that's I don't I don't subscribe to that. Know what I'm saying? Basically, -She's saying,
Skido Ortiz:I don't wait for nobody. Don't subscribe
DeShawn Snow:to this, But So have you Did I know you're dating a beautiful black queen. -Mm -So -But were you Did you go through an era where you would only date white women or
Skido Ortiz:don't never dated white women in
DeShawn Snow:my life. -Okay. Okay. Let me know. -But I think they're beautiful.
DeShawn Snow:-Yes.
Skido Ortiz:-I like green, white, Chinese, black, all that. I never dated, you know, back in my day.
DeShawn Snow:Couldn't bring them, Yeah.
Skido Ortiz:No, but, you know, it's like this.
Karesia Davis:No face, no case, It
Skido Ortiz:was the taste of everything. You taste a little of everything, and then you know what you like. Right. And I like my Black women, and I love my Puerto Rican women. And then because I'm half and half, that's just the preference of my taste.
Skido Ortiz:Yeah. And I adore them. I respect them. You know I'm saying? And my mom was 100% Puerto Rican and my father and then my aunts are black.
Skido Ortiz:And we all knew each other. Puerto Rican and blacks are all in the hood. Mhmm. You know I'm saying? We all in the same projects all that.
Skido Ortiz:So I've seen all the cultures, but they taught me a lot of good things. One, carry an old person's bag. Two, you know, don't hold that door. And if you didn't hold that door, you got popped in
Karesia Davis:your That's right.
Skido Ortiz:You know what I'm saying?
DeShawn Snow:Like, you know, kids that walk through the door keep walking.
Karesia Davis:Then get on the scene. And then
Skido Ortiz:you don't wanna see it no matter what color. So I love how I was disciplined like that. The next neighbor could do that and that. But that came from black and that came from poor people.
Karesia Davis:That's right.
Skido Ortiz:And I love how we are. I love the strength in y'all. Because but a lot of insecure men, a lot of weak men Mhmm. Start complaining about that. And I'm I'm a say this.
Skido Ortiz:It's not because I know good white people, black people I'm not saying that. But when black people down their own people, it's because there's something weak in them. There was something that was you blaming color. You putting color like it is. That's just my opinion.
Skido Ortiz:Real. I said, no. A great person is a great person no matter how what color they
DeShawn Snow:are. Right.
Skido Ortiz:But respect who you are or what you came from. Understand? And that part, I don't like when men do that. That's why I was asking y'all.
DeShawn Snow:Isn't that a small percentage? Because it's still most the higher percentage of black men, they marry black women, though. Right? -No. -It's a larger percentage of -No.
Skido Ortiz:Because of that negative. You understand? It it kinda like they start painting this picture that a certain race is better than a certain race. -A small -No. Just look what's out there.
Skido Ortiz:So when they start saying that, some people that are weak will gravitate to that. -Right. -Instead of building men, you're building -Bitches. -Bitches. Bitches.
Skido Ortiz:Whatever. You know, whatever. You know, I don't wanna be professional, but weak ass men. Like,
Karesia Davis:you Let's talk about it.
Skido Ortiz:You know what I'm saying? Go ahead.
Karesia Davis:I just wanna know, like, so what do you think makes and this is society's label. A man a whole ass nigga. Right? And that is their label.
Skido Ortiz:A nigga.
Karesia Davis:Whole ass nigga.
Skido Ortiz:That is what
Karesia Davis:they call it. And so I do you think it's the mother, how they were raised, maybe the ex girlfriend? You want a ass nigga? Sure. Swear to God, I Please tell me.
DeShawn Snow:Tell me. Because I should not be single.
Skido Ortiz:Oh, man. Okay.
Karesia Davis:So But it is a lot of ho ass niggas out here, and I just don't know if it's trauma. I'm
Skido Ortiz:Can you
DeShawn Snow:say that? I don't know.
Skido Ortiz:Define the ho ass nigga for the other one is break it down to me, so I'm gonna give you the real answer.
Karesia Davis:Oh, just even what you just said about yeah, a clown. A a clown. But what makes you a ho ass niggas is when your weakness and them insecurities start to overshadow how things are supposed to go in the relationship. Right? So, like, it Could it be how you were raised?
Karesia Davis:Because some You got some men who see women, right, who do Who grew up. Some mamas are single Mhmm. Did it by they self. You got men that be like, you could just do it. Right?
Karesia Davis:Mhmm. You did it.
DeShawn Snow:My mama did it.
Skido Ortiz:Yeah.
Karesia Davis:Then you got those, like, the ones that I'm raising. I saw my mama do it. I'm not about to let you do it. Right? Mhmm.
Karesia Davis:So I just feel like there are two different types of men, but whole ass niggas, this is like a variety of what they could be. Because a real nigga could do fuck boy shit too. They fuck up.
Skido Ortiz:Oh, yeah. I mean, everybody get it.
Karesia Davis:They do. Yes. Hello.
Skido Ortiz:They do.
Karesia Davis:You you don't
Skido Ortiz:know what you're
Karesia Davis:getting into.
DeShawn Snow:It's a mixed bag.
Skido Ortiz:It's a mixed bag.
DeShawn Snow:It is. But
Skido Ortiz:my opinion, this this is me. I'm listening. I I everybody is different. I don't you can't that's why I tell my girl, don't you ever compare me to nobody.
Karesia Davis:You can't.
Skido Ortiz:You can't compare what who my mother who my mother, how she raised me, and the way I see people. Mhmm. So but you don't know what you're getting when you're in a relationship. Mhmm. Right?
Skido Ortiz:And now I got a daughter. You know what saying? I got daughters, two daughters, you know, my daughters, and it made me grow up a little bit more because
DeShawn Snow:Right.
Skido Ortiz:How they look at me is how they're gonna look at men.
DeShawn Snow:Yeah.
Skido Ortiz:Absolutely. I caught a phobia almost.
Karesia Davis:That's that damaged girl
Skido Ortiz:part I
DeShawn Snow:was talking about.
Skido Ortiz:Yeah. So now it defines how dad acts with them. That's why a lot of them need them. But what I don't like, you know, you got predators and then you got protectors. Mhmm.
Skido Ortiz:So how they're raised, they're either gonna be a predator or they're gonna be a Mhmm. They're not gonna mind you being a boss. They're not
DeShawn Snow:gonna be like, I could I'm so off. Right?
Skido Ortiz:And everybody knows me. I'm just you know? When I say I'll say certain things to my girl, and it takes a lot to deal with me. Yo, you burning my ears. You talking too much.
Karesia Davis:Right.
Skido Ortiz:She'll start bust out laughing. You gotta have a personality with me.
Karesia Davis:Correct.
Skido Ortiz:But she know my heart is for family. Like, but she lets me be me.
Karesia Davis:All day.
Skido Ortiz:You understand? But I have no bad intentions. I'm not putting her
DeShawn Snow:down. Right. Right. I'm not doing that. But you wanna keep it real?
Skido Ortiz:She goes, Ski, I never If you define I don't give a fuck next to it, it should say, Ski, though.
Karesia Davis:Right?
Skido Ortiz:I'm so glad God built me like that. Yes. Because I could be just like the next. I don't judge. I came through so much pain and suffering that the way I see people, I don't care is that you gotta bring them in Ben into your house.
Skido Ortiz:You don't know You better do a resume check. You gotta see You gotta do certain things. So these Some of these people going in the house are molesting your kids. They're doing stuff, and you're wondering what's going on, and you so worried about being lonely and being That you're paying attention to sound of if they got money?
Karesia Davis:Because my philosophy on that is if my kids see you before they go to bed, then they should see you when they wake up consistently. Therefore men don't come around. It's not no, oh, I'm cooking dinner. You can come over for dinner today. You know what I mean?
Karesia Davis:Like, it's not know, Oh, we gonna jump in the bed with him because she in the bed with them.
Skido Ortiz:It's not It's just certain rules you gotta
DeShawn Snow:have in your house.
Skido Ortiz:But the thing is, you gotta see how a man treats his own mama sometimes and how that he won't allow you to do certain things. Because a lot of
DeShawn Snow:Some things can't be taught. It's either you have it or you don't.
Skido Ortiz:You can't go, I didn't have that in my life, so I don't give a shit about it. He had it in their life. She had it in their life. You gotta adjust to, I ain't have no family. You have a But I got a family.
DeShawn Snow:Right.
Skido Ortiz:And they started tearing up, tearing stuff up. What you think about that, D? When you have a family of structure, and now that you're out here being single, the men, whoever's gonna come in your life gotta understand your kids all Yeah.
DeShawn Snow:So I never brought people, I mean, maybe a couple people, but not really. They don't come around to meet the kids or anything like that. But I haven't been in anything serious like that.
Skido Ortiz:Are. But you see, leading up to -But I will. -It's coming. But you're prepping with your sister being next to you
DeShawn Snow:I love you. Listen. System change is real. I defense. Girl, Because
Karesia Davis:you like to protect. You don't You not even just about to tell him some shit you're
DeShawn Snow:No, Listen. Listen. They are They were clowns. They were clowns. They were clowns.
DeShawn Snow:So no longer today will I entertain a clown. Because back then, like, my desire -It's absolutely -Yes. I stopped buying them. -Okay. Have a desire to be married, but the difference is, back then, I was driven by that desire.
DeShawn Snow:-Mm -It no longer drives me. So you can say all the words pretend to do all the -and I will fall for it -because failed. Was trying to be failed. -I love it. -It's like,
Skido Ortiz:keep it up.
DeShawn Snow:I will admit, there were a couple people that I would A is Okay.
Karesia Davis:A few.
DeShawn Snow:Is it a few? I haven't even dated that many people, Karisha.
Karesia Davis:Ninja turtles. Okay. Anyway
Skido Ortiz:You said Ninja turtles.
DeShawn Snow:It's called Ninja Turtles. So listen, so, and, you know, it goes with the compromise and the settling, because back then I just so desired to, you know, be married, to be You know, I was so wanted to be chosen. But now, like, I don't have the patience. Like, I'm no longer selling, right? And then I don't have Like, I can't deal with mediocrity.
DeShawn Snow:I don't have the patience for incompetence and stuff like that. So I know I need to, like, soften up a little bit, I -A lot of it. -I just want entertain a -Don't sell.
Skido Ortiz:Because listen
DeShawn Snow:-Yeah. -And it's not it's
Skido Ortiz:nothing And another thing I hear a lot, and this is for y'all beautiful black women.
Karesia Davis:Thank you.
Skido Ortiz:Stop thinking, is there something wrong with me? Because that's another thing men are playing this game. There's nothing wrong with you.
Karesia Davis:I just told her.
Skido Ortiz:Listen to me. I want y'all to hear this.
DeShawn Snow:Didn't see nothing wrong me.
Skido Ortiz:I No. But I'm
DeShawn Snow:just saying that's the thing.
Skido Ortiz:You gotta listen to what I'm saying. I'm saying this from a man's perspective. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just don't settle and be careful and stay on your bullshit. But stop getting get that out your mind, ladies.
Skido Ortiz:Nothing's wrong with you. It's them. It's and timing too. Everything is timing. Y'all rush into stuff, and y'all get desperate, and you get lonely, and then it's a mess.
Skido Ortiz:If you came out of a mess, you're gonna go into another mess and another mess.
DeShawn Snow:I'm saying get sick and tired.
Skido Ortiz:Get sick and I'm this. This is like we're having this And I keep it real.
DeShawn Snow:Turkey stops. You did not.
Karesia Davis:I did cold turkey. Goddamn it.
Skido Ortiz:But cold turkey, don't know. I did a year. I did a year cold turkey. Real talk. I did a year of celibacy,
DeShawn Snow:chilled out. I wasn't even talking about that. I don't
Karesia Davis:think that you need to even focus on finding anyone.
DeShawn Snow:I don't think there's anything wrong. The women is prize. They find us.
Karesia Davis:At the end of the day, like, if you focus on your bag
Skido Ortiz:-The woman the prize.
DeShawn Snow:That's true. That's biblical.
Karesia Davis:-Yeah, we are.
DeShawn Snow:-Yeah, so -There's that.
Karesia Davis:Here we are. -Okay. -So,
DeShawn Snow:yeah. Man that findeth a wife
Skido Ortiz:findeth a
DeShawn Snow:good thing. I can't think of the verse offhand.
Skido Ortiz:No. I love it. No. Like it's all good. But you know what a good part of a relationship?
Skido Ortiz:When you find that person that lets you be you. Right.
DeShawn Snow:That's growth.
Skido Ortiz:That's it.
Karesia Davis:Right? Because you can't find happiness, right? Because happiness is always gonna bring a disappointment, but you can find someone to grow with. And that's gonna bring happiness because it's always gonna be accomplishment and growth. Correct?
Skido Ortiz:Absolutely.
Karesia Davis:So, yeah, you find somebody that you can grow with, not necessarily just
Skido Ortiz:And we're gonna get on each other's nerve. It's not that nerve. It start taking little things into big arguments.
DeShawn Snow:Yeah.
Skido Ortiz:When you go through relationships and you and you've learned from all that, everything gotta almost gotta be argued. It could be a disagreement at a low level. Yeah. We ain't gotta turn up and laugh about it later. Don't carry it to bed.
Skido Ortiz:Don't do all of that. Let your man be a man and your woman be a woman. But know that, like I said, the man leads, but he gotta lead the right way.
Karesia Davis:The right way.
Skido Ortiz:And that because that's what's going on is when y'all leading the wrong way, the women jump in
DeShawn Snow:front of you, then you're like, oh, not letting me be the man because she's used to coming from being
Skido Ortiz:single mom, and then she's used to being the
Karesia Davis:man She's being out of survival mode.
Skido Ortiz:Because just that, you bring her back into survival mode. And that's what the attitude you give. It's not who she is. You gotta look at her heart.
Karesia Davis:And it ain't even an attitude. It's really just a, I ain't got time for that shit right
DeShawn Snow:I love it. I love it.
Skido Ortiz:And on that note, you see Kay bringing the real we talking about super sync, her being a single mom, holding it down. Son's going into the air force.
Karesia Davis:Air force.
Skido Ortiz:It it successful. They applauded her, and a lot of mothers are getting applauded how they raise their kids. And I salute all of y'all single moms that raise them. And I salute you and I salute you. And I love it.
Skido Ortiz:Y'all looking marvelous with
DeShawn Snow:the beautiful white teeth. Again, I gotta go to the dentist. But anyway,
Skido Ortiz:on that note, we're getting 10 steps ahead, man. We loving y'all. We love that y'all all joined in with us, we're so happy and everything. And Kay, welcome to the show and
DeShawn Snow:all of Thank
Skido Ortiz:you. And she you you see it from the first episode, she was and now she's on now. It's on now. You know what I'm saying? So what you think, D?
DeShawn Snow:I think it's fire. I think it's fire.
Skido Ortiz:So that we out of here on that note.
DeShawn Snow:Yep. So stay tuned for the next episode. Thank you for joining us today. Love you,
Skido Ortiz:guest coming.
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